The Family Suffers
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The desire to nurture is a natural response that mothers have when they hear their infants cry. When a
mother uses the cry it out methods (CIO) she teaches herself over time to ignore her natural motherly
instincts and in so doing, learns how to be insensitive to her infants needs.
In effect, what the mother is teaching her infant, is that as long as you are happy and well I will be there for
you but the moment you become upset and truly need me I will not be there for you and you will need to find
a way to comfort yourself without my help.
Many mothers, who have learned through the use of CIO, to be insensitive to their infants needs, never
return to their natural nurturing state. Some mothers, feeling that they’ve “won” or beaten their child in a
contest of wills, will carry their victory as a badge of honor never realizing that what they’ve actually done is
damage their relationship with their child. Unfortunately, many mothers never take off this badge and remain
emotionally unavailable to their children long after their child has grown into adulthood.
Aside from the trauma that infants go through while experiencing CIO the infant begins to learn that their
mother will not be coming to their aid and begins to separate from her. Even though this separation takes
place many infants will become stuck in the traumatic experience of looking for mom thus causing an
unknown persistent need to find her. This insatiable need can persist well into adulthood and can cause
the adult child to continue seeking their mother’s and other’s approval. This can also lead to romance
dependency.
Once the damage from CIO is complete, mother and child are now separated and have lost their natural
bond.
Parents Who Were Damaged by CIO
Parents who are experiencing the long-term effects of CIO, including the infantile shift in perception, may
also be living their lives through the filter of looking for something to make them feel better or to be
comforted. They may have also learned to disconnect from their children and may themselves be
experiencing the affects of seeking their own mother’s approval.
The combination of not having a natural connection with their children and all the while looking for comfort in
life can manifest itself the form of favoritism within the family unit. The parent may be unable to love their
children equally as they’ve severed their natural connection with them and are now looking for the child or
children who make them feel the best.
Children who may remind the parent of themselves, and all that they don’t like about themselves, or who
remind them of their spouse or their own parents will many times receive less if any true love and affection
as the lack of a natural bond between parent and child will prevent this.
Many children who find themselves in this situation will develop negative behavior patterns. Many of these
behaviors are used as a desperate way to get to get any kind of attention from their parents.
I recently had a conversation with someone who realized that, as a child, he misbehaved in order to get
some form attention from his mother. He expressed to me that as an adult he realizes that he would’ve
done anything in order to get his mother’s attention, even if that attention was negative. In his case, and in
many other children’s cases, he “acted out’ and became a “problem child” in order to accomplish this.
CIO and Child Abuse
Infants and toddlers, experiencing the trauma of CIO, can also develop beliefs related to an infant or a child’
s need to suffer. Beliefs such as:
• I’m supposed to suffer
• Infants are supposed to suffer
• Children are supposed to suffer
• This is how you treat the people you love
• Abandonment and abusive behavior is how you communicate with the people you love
Just to name a few.
If a parent who experienced the trauma of CIO as a child is carrying these “transparent beliefs” (meaning
they don’t know they have them yet operate through them in their lives) in their minds and have lost their
natural connection with their children, they may take the steps necessary to insure their children suffer from
both CIO and child abuse.
If their children also adopt these transparent beliefs then child abuse can become something that a family
will suffer from for generations.
Angry Children
When an infant experiences CIO, many powerful emotions are experienced by the infant one of them being
anger which many times turns to rage.
Some parents who have returned to a nurturing state after the child has grown past the toddler stage may
find their child very angry and resentful but won’t know why because in the parents mind they’ve done
nothing wrong and can’t understand why their child is behaving in such a manner.
What isn’t being recognized by both the parents and the child is the fact that the child is experiencing the
effects of repressed emotions caused by the trauma and abandonment of CIO. Sub-consciously the child
may be experiencing feelings of abandonment and anger in the moment even though their parents have
returned to a nurturing way of parenting.
As the child grows they can begin to experience feelings of guilt due to the fact that their anger with their
parents remains despite the love and attention given. The guilt can continue to grow as the child grows and
begins to mature causing great sadness for the child largely due to the fact that they want to show love for
their parents yet are unable to completely due to the repressed anger that was generated during the trauma
of CIO.
Children who are experiencing this kind of anger will need to be helped to non-traumatically release the
powerful emotions that were created during CIO.
mother uses the cry it out methods (CIO) she teaches herself over time to ignore her natural motherly
instincts and in so doing, learns how to be insensitive to her infants needs.
In effect, what the mother is teaching her infant, is that as long as you are happy and well I will be there for
you but the moment you become upset and truly need me I will not be there for you and you will need to find
a way to comfort yourself without my help.
Many mothers, who have learned through the use of CIO, to be insensitive to their infants needs, never
return to their natural nurturing state. Some mothers, feeling that they’ve “won” or beaten their child in a
contest of wills, will carry their victory as a badge of honor never realizing that what they’ve actually done is
damage their relationship with their child. Unfortunately, many mothers never take off this badge and remain
emotionally unavailable to their children long after their child has grown into adulthood.
Aside from the trauma that infants go through while experiencing CIO the infant begins to learn that their
mother will not be coming to their aid and begins to separate from her. Even though this separation takes
place many infants will become stuck in the traumatic experience of looking for mom thus causing an
unknown persistent need to find her. This insatiable need can persist well into adulthood and can cause
the adult child to continue seeking their mother’s and other’s approval. This can also lead to romance
dependency.
Once the damage from CIO is complete, mother and child are now separated and have lost their natural
bond.
Parents Who Were Damaged by CIO
Parents who are experiencing the long-term effects of CIO, including the infantile shift in perception, may
also be living their lives through the filter of looking for something to make them feel better or to be
comforted. They may have also learned to disconnect from their children and may themselves be
experiencing the affects of seeking their own mother’s approval.
The combination of not having a natural connection with their children and all the while looking for comfort in
life can manifest itself the form of favoritism within the family unit. The parent may be unable to love their
children equally as they’ve severed their natural connection with them and are now looking for the child or
children who make them feel the best.
Children who may remind the parent of themselves, and all that they don’t like about themselves, or who
remind them of their spouse or their own parents will many times receive less if any true love and affection
as the lack of a natural bond between parent and child will prevent this.
Many children who find themselves in this situation will develop negative behavior patterns. Many of these
behaviors are used as a desperate way to get to get any kind of attention from their parents.
I recently had a conversation with someone who realized that, as a child, he misbehaved in order to get
some form attention from his mother. He expressed to me that as an adult he realizes that he would’ve
done anything in order to get his mother’s attention, even if that attention was negative. In his case, and in
many other children’s cases, he “acted out’ and became a “problem child” in order to accomplish this.
CIO and Child Abuse
Infants and toddlers, experiencing the trauma of CIO, can also develop beliefs related to an infant or a child’
s need to suffer. Beliefs such as:
• I’m supposed to suffer
• Infants are supposed to suffer
• Children are supposed to suffer
• This is how you treat the people you love
• Abandonment and abusive behavior is how you communicate with the people you love
Just to name a few.
If a parent who experienced the trauma of CIO as a child is carrying these “transparent beliefs” (meaning
they don’t know they have them yet operate through them in their lives) in their minds and have lost their
natural connection with their children, they may take the steps necessary to insure their children suffer from
both CIO and child abuse.
If their children also adopt these transparent beliefs then child abuse can become something that a family
will suffer from for generations.
Angry Children
When an infant experiences CIO, many powerful emotions are experienced by the infant one of them being
anger which many times turns to rage.
Some parents who have returned to a nurturing state after the child has grown past the toddler stage may
find their child very angry and resentful but won’t know why because in the parents mind they’ve done
nothing wrong and can’t understand why their child is behaving in such a manner.
What isn’t being recognized by both the parents and the child is the fact that the child is experiencing the
effects of repressed emotions caused by the trauma and abandonment of CIO. Sub-consciously the child
may be experiencing feelings of abandonment and anger in the moment even though their parents have
returned to a nurturing way of parenting.
As the child grows they can begin to experience feelings of guilt due to the fact that their anger with their
parents remains despite the love and attention given. The guilt can continue to grow as the child grows and
begins to mature causing great sadness for the child largely due to the fact that they want to show love for
their parents yet are unable to completely due to the repressed anger that was generated during the trauma
of CIO.
Children who are experiencing this kind of anger will need to be helped to non-traumatically release the
powerful emotions that were created during CIO.
Copyright Cry It Out Recovery © 2007-2008